Why Asking "How Are You Feeling?" Doesn't Always Work (And What to Try Instead)
"How are you feeling?"
It's one of the first questions many of us ask when we notice a child struggling.
After school.
After a disagreement.
When they've slammed a door.
When they're crying.
Or when something just doesn't seem quite right.
It comes from a place of love.
We want to understand. We want to help. We want our children to know it's safe to talk to us.
But for many children—particularly autistic and ADHD children—it can also be one of the hardest questions to answer.
Not because they don't want to tell us.
But because they genuinely don't know yet.
If you've ever been met with:
"I don't know."
A shrug.
Silence.
Or even more frustration...
you're not alone.
Many parents quietly wonder, "Why won't they just tell me what's wrong?"
The reassuring news is this:
Your child isn't necessarily refusing to talk.
And you're not asking the wrong question.
It may simply be the wrong starting point.
Emotional literacy develops just like reading
Understanding emotions is a skill that develops over time. Before children can name what's happening inside, they often need help noticing it, making sense of it, and connecting it to language.
Think about how children learn to read.
We don't hand them a chapter book and expect them to understand the story straight away.
First they learn to recognise letters.
Then they connect letters to sounds.
They blend sounds into words.
Words become sentences.
Sentences become stories.
Reading develops one step at a time.
Emotional literacy develops in much the same way.
Children first learn to notice what's happening in their body.
Then they begin to recognise different feelings.
Next they connect those feelings to words.
Gradually they understand what those feelings are communicating and learn helpful ways to respond.
Just as we wouldn't expect a child to understand a story before they've learnt their letters,
we can't expect children to name emotions before they've learnt to notice them.
So if "How are you feeling?" is met with "I don't know", it doesn't mean the conversation has failed.
It simply tells us we may need to begin one step earlier.
Why "I don't know" is often an honest answer
When we ask a child, "How are you feeling?"
we're actually asking them to do several complex things all at once.
They need to:
- notice what's happening inside their body
- make sense of those sensations
- connect them to a feeling
- find the right emotion word
- feel safe enough to share it
If they're already overwhelmed, anxious, embarrassed or frustrated, that's a surprisingly big cognitive load.
For many children—especially those who find recognising or interpreting internal body signals difficult—"I don't know" is often the most truthful answer they can give.
They're not being difficult. They're still learning.
And that's exactly where we, as parents and helpers, can make all the difference.
Rather than expecting children to start with emotion words, we can begin by helping them notice what they're already experiencing.
Because children can't name what they haven't first learned to notice.
Behaviour is communication—but it's rarely the whole story
When children can't yet explain what's happening inside them, their feelings often show up through their behaviour instead.
Sometimes that behaviour is loud.
Sometimes it's quiet.
We might see:
- yelling
- crying
- hitting
- refusing
- withdrawing
- shutting down
- running away
- arguing over seemingly small things
It's easy to focus on stopping the behaviour because it's the part we can see.
But behaviour is often just the visible tip of something much deeper.
One of the most helpful mindset shifts we can make is to move from asking:
"How do I stop this behaviour?"
to wondering:
"What might this behaviour be trying to tell me?"
That small shift moves us from reacting to becoming curious.
And curiosity is where understanding begins.
Looking underneath the behaviour
When we slow down and look beneath what we can see, we often discover a very different story.
❤️ What might they be feeling?
Children don't always have the words to tell us they're overwhelmed, disappointed, embarrassed, lonely or worried.
Instead, those feelings often come out as tears, anger, avoidance or withdrawal.
The feeling isn't always obvious.
Sometimes we need to gently help children discover it together.
💭 What might they be thinking?
Children's thoughts are invisible.
We can't see them, but they often drive behaviour.
A child who refuses to join in might be thinking:
"I'll get it wrong."
A child who lashes out may be thinking:
"Nobody understands me."
A child who melts down after school might be carrying thoughts like:
"I've tried so hard all day."
When we only respond to behaviour, we miss the story those thoughts are telling.
🌱 What might they be needing?
Every behaviour is an opportunity to ask:
"What does this child need right now?"
Sometimes it's connection.
Sometimes it's predictability.
Sometimes it's a quieter environment.
Sometimes it's reassurance, rest or simply time.
Understanding what's underneath doesn't mean we ignore boundaries or excuse behaviour.
It means we respond to the cause, not just the symptom.
Notice before you name
This is why I often encourage parents to become noticers before becoming problem-solvers.
Instead of beginning with:
"How are you feeling?"
start with something you already know to be true.
"I noticed your shoulders went right up near your ears."
"I can see your hands are squeezing really tightly."
"You became very quiet when we got home."
"I noticed your breathing got much faster."
"I saw you walk away when everyone else joined the game."
These observations don't tell children how they feel.
They simply help children notice what their body and behaviour are already communicating.
That feels much safer than expecting an immediate answer.
It also gives children something concrete to focus on.
Body sensations.
Facial expressions.
Actions.
These are often much easier to recognise than abstract emotion words.
From noticing to naming
Once children begin noticing what's happening, they're much more likely to find the words for it.
As their emotional literacy progresses, you might hear:
"My tummy feels funny."
Then...
"I think I'm worried."
Or:
"My hands feel really tight."
Followed by:
"Maybe I'm frustrated."
Notice comes first. Naming follows.
When we slow the conversation down and help children (and often adults too) recognise what's happening before asking them to explain it, we're not lowering our expectations.
We're giving them the stepping stones they need to get there.
And that's where emotional literacy really begins.
Helping children make the invisible visible
Sometimes children don't need more emotion words first.
They need something that helps make those invisible feelings easier to see.
Children often think in stories, pictures, colours and play long before they can think in abstract emotional language.
That's one of the reasons I wrote Mia and the Missing Colours.
In Mia's world, the colours begin to disappear.
As she searches for her missing colours, she gradually discovers they were never really gone—they were inside her all along, helping her understand the different feelings she was experiencing.
For many children, colours become a gentle bridge between what they feel and what they can describe.
Instead of asking, "Are you feeling angry?"
a parent might ask, "What colour does this moment feel like?"
Or instead of saying, "I don't know what's wrong,"
a child might simply point to a colour.
Stories and metaphors don't replace emotional language. They build the bridge towards it.
Emotional literacy isn't built during meltdowns
One of the biggest misconceptions about emotional regulation is that children should be able to use calming strategies the first time they need them.
Imagine expecting a child to learn to read only when they're handed a difficult chapter book.
Or expecting them to learn to swim the moment they fall into deep water.
We'd never teach important life skills that way.
Yet this is often what we unintentionally do with emotions.
We wait until a child is overwhelmed before asking them to recognise a feeling, explain it, and choose a helpful strategy.
That's incredibly hard.
Emotional literacy is built before it's needed.
Through stories.
Through conversations.
Through games.
Through repeated practice in calm, connected moments.
Those everyday moments become the rehearsal for the bigger moments that inevitably come.
A simple pathway for building emotional literacy
This idea became the foundation of my Complete Feelings Toolkit.
Rather than focusing only on helping children calm down, each resource supports a different stage of emotional learning.
Step 1: Recognise feelings
Before children can talk about emotions, they first need to recognise that different feelings exist.
That's where Feelings Bingo comes in.
Through play, children begin noticing facial expressions, body language, situations and emotion words in a relaxed, enjoyable way.
There are no right or wrong answers.
Just repeated opportunities to notice.
Because recognition comes before confident use.
Step 2: Connect body sensations with feelings
Once children begin recognising emotions, the next step is learning how those feelings show up inside their own bodies.
This is where our Emotion Cards take learning a step further.
Rather than simply naming an emotion, each card gently guides children through four stages:
Body sensation → Feeling → Understanding → Helpful action
For example, a child might first notice: "My tummy feels twisty."
Then learn: "This feeling might be worry."
Next discover "Worry is when you think something bad might happen and your tummy and head feel twisty and tangled. Like when you're not sure if your friend will come."
And finally explore a practical strategy that may help, such as Untangling My Knots through drawing or talking to a trusted adult.
This progression helps children connect what they're experiencing physically with what they're experiencing emotionally—before introducing ways to respond.
Instead of simply telling children to "calm down", we're helping them understand why they feel the way they do and what they can do next.
Helping conversations feel safe
As adults, it's easy to feel pressure to ask the perfect question, or have the perfect response.
But emotional literacy isn't built through perfect questions.
It's built through connected conversations.
That's why I added the Talking Feelings, Together guide to the toolkit—to help parents and helpers feel more confident navigating those everyday emotional moments.
Rather than expecting children to identify and explain everything themselves, the guide encourages adults to gently walk alongside them using four simple steps.
Notice
Start with what you can already see.
"I noticed your shoulders became really tight."
Name
Offer language without insisting you're right.
"I wonder if you might be feeling frustrated?"
Normalise
Help children understand that feelings make sense.
"I'd probably feel frustrated too if that happened to me."
Support
Explore what might help next.
"What would help your body feel a little safer right now?"
This approach keeps curiosity at the centre of the conversation.
It reminds children that they don't have to figure everything out alone.
And over time, those repeated conversations help children build the confidence to recognise, understand and express their emotions independently.
Because emotional literacy isn't about teaching children the "right" answers.
It's about helping them make sense of their own inner world—one conversation, one story and one moment at a time.
Helping children feel safe enough to understand themselves
As adults, it's easy to think our job is to stop the behaviour.
To calm the tears.
To end the argument.
To fix the problem.
But before children can think clearly, solve problems or use the strategies they've practised, they first need to feel safe.
Not just physically safe. Emotionally safe too.
When children feel safe, their brains are better able to notice, learn, remember and problem-solve.
That sense of safety comes from more than the adult and/or environment around them.
It also comes from what is happening inside them.
Children are more likely to regulate when they feel:
-
safe with the adults around them – knowing someone understands, listens and will help without judgement.
- safe in their environment – where routines are predictable, expectations are clear and overwhelming demands are reduced when needed.
- safe inside themselves – understanding what they're feeling, knowing those feelings are normal, and trusting that they have strategies and supportive people to help them through.
When one of these areas begins to feel unsafe, behaviour often becomes louder.
Not because children are choosing to be difficult.
But because their nervous system is asking for support.
That's why understanding what sits beneath behaviour is so important.
Connection comes before correction.
Curiosity comes before conclusions.
Support comes before solutions.
Building emotional literacy one conversation at a time
There isn't one perfect question. There isn't one perfect strategy.
And there certainly isn't one conversation that suddenly teaches emotional literacy.
Instead, it's built through hundreds of small moments.
A bedtime chat.
A car ride home.
Reading a story together.
Playing a game.
Noticing a tight tummy.
Wondering about a colour.
Naming a feeling.
Trying a calming strategy.
Little by little, children begin building a language for their inner world.
They start recognising what their body is telling them.
They begin trusting that all feelings are welcome.
And over time, they discover something incredibly powerful:
Feelings don't have to be feared.
They can be noticed.
Understood.
Supported.
And moved through.
Where to begin
If today's article has resonated with you, don't feel like you need to change everything overnight.
Start with one small shift.
The next time your child seems upset, try replacing:
"How are you feeling?" or "Whats wrong?"
with:
"I notice your hands are really tight." or "I notice your shoulders have dropped."
or wondering to yourself:
what could be happening beneath this behaviour right now?
Sometimes the gentlest questions open the biggest conversations.
Continue the journey
If you'd like to keep building your child's emotional literacy, these resources have been designed to support each stage of that journey.
🌈 Mia and the Missing Colours
A gentle picture book that helps children understand emotions through the comforting metaphor of colour, making invisible feelings easier to notice and talk about.
→ Explore Mia and the Missing Colours
🎲 Complete Feelings Toolkit
A carefully designed collection of resources that helps children practise emotional literacy through stories, games and everyday conversations.
Including Mia and the Missing Colours hardcover children's picture book, plus:
-
Feelings Bingo to build emotion recognition through play.
-
Emotion Cards that connect body sensations, feelings, understanding and helpful actions.
-
Talking Feelings, Together (free when added to the cart with the toolkit) for practical ways and scripts to build these skills before they're needed most.
→ Explore the Complete Feelings Toolkit
💬 Talking Feelings, Together
A practical digital guide that helps parents and helpers navigate emotional conversations using the simple framework:
Notice → Name → Normalise → Support
Helping everyday moments become opportunities for calm, connection and understanding.
→ Download Talking Feelings, Together (or get it free when added to the cart with the Complete Feelings Toolkit)
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One final thought
One day your child might tell you,
"I'm disappointed."
Or,
"I'm feeling worried."
Or even,
"Can we use one of our calm strategies?"
When that day comes, it probably won't be because you found the perfect question.
It will be because, over time, you helped them notice.
You stayed curious when behaviour was loud.
You gave them words when they couldn't find their own.
You practised together when life was calm.
You reminded them that every feeling has a place.
And perhaps most importantly...
you helped them make sense of their own inner world.
Because before children can tell us how they feel... they first need someone who helps them notice.